Fear of Change

I’ve been thinking non-stop about “Change” for months now,

Looking at parts of myself & my life that I feel deep in my being are ready for change.

These parts of myself & my life that I’ve out grown & that are just not working anymore. I look and I see so clearly that change is the only answer that remotely makes since at this time, but therein lies the problem. Change requires…well, actual change.

Some of the things I’m looking to change involve life-long patterns, deeply ingrained habits, and life-long understandings about myself & my place in this world .

My life has gotten to the place where these habits & patterns simply will not hold up with the rest of my life & where I’m headed.

Even though these parts of myself & my life are no longer working or serving my highest good, I’m terrified of letting them go.

So I’m faced with the biggest roadblock to change I know of….”FEAR!”

fear of changeThere she is, the big mama jama, the queen of quitting , the queen of no follow through. The one, the only “FEAR”.

What am I afraid of? 

I see all these paths before me unfolding , beckoning me to them & my soul longs to sprint ahead and dance wildly down these paths. Before I even place one foot down to move forward that queen of quitting  wraps her icy fingers around my throat & hisses in my ear, ” who do you think you are missy?”, ” you really think You have what it takes to make it?”, ” Are you really strong enough?”, ” people will think you’re a fucking joke, so why bother?”

All my Fears, Doubts, and Insecurities coming rushing to the surface the second I start even thinking about becoming more, the moment I’m ready to dive into those dark mysterious waters of Change I’m engulfed in Fear. 

Then I dig into another area of change & growth,

I look at things like taking actions

on health, and general lifestyle changes… Some change that requires smaller steps in a less utterly terrifying direction.

I realize I’m still holding back even with these smaller steps .

The question becomes :

What is holding me back from following through with things I know will make me feel better in multiple areas of my life?

What is stopping me from letting myself feel really good about myself?

                What is the Fear?

It boils down to core beliefs about myself & what I’m worth. Resistance to truly being genuinely Nice & Loving to myself. Spending time on furthering myself in ways that will lead to deeper connections & success.

Who am I to be mind blowingly Amazing?

The question then becomes :

Do I deserve to be Happy?

The obvious answer ( for me anyway) is ” YES!! of Course!”

But …. If that’s really the answer I feel is true, why am I not allowing myself the things that do generate feelings of Love, Worthiness, Connection, & Positivity?

Why do I not allow myself to be truly happy?

What is the Fear?

What am I really risking if I followed through with my dreams?

Failure & Disappointment …

I’ve failed a million times before in my life so what’s the Real Fear?

The real issues here is I’ve got a king sized fear of “Happiness.”

Happiness is the great unknown. 

Who am I if I let myself be really happy?

I know sadness, I know failure, I know pain, I know suffering…

What I don’t really know is

Success , true deep happiness , deep pleasure, satisfaction , pride in my own accomplishments , victory , fulfillment. 

What remains now is a journey, a journey of discovering who I am as someone who allows herself to be Truly Happy.

What does that mean to me?

Happy?

My happiness starts with recognizing , owning , and honoring my Value as a human being.

I am Valuable!!

I am Valued!

Being me is important.

How I FEEL is the most important place to start in any decision or action taken.

I Vow to practice allowing happiness to be a place of safety .

Following my dreams & fully living up to my full potential means I’m in some serious risk for experiencing some serious happiness . I finally feel ready to allow that kind of joy and fulfillment into my everyday life experience.

I realize that my fear of happiness stems from the belief that happiness is something external to myself , the fear that if I truly let myself be  madly happy it then could be taken away from me some how. That the pain of having finally let happiness in ,to then lose it ,would be too unbearable.

Feeling like I would rather stay in a state of not really happy, but not totally miserable as that felt really familiar & safe.  Now however life keeps showing up & giving me all these glimpses of true happiness , and my taste for it has made me insatiable .

The more I practice loving myself & recognzing my true Value, the more staying stuck in those fears becomes impossible .

I cannot love myself while simultaneously staying in a state of fear & self repression.

Truly valuing myself means full on knowing happiness is my true state of being.

I cannot Value my own life & stay paralyzed by fear.

Fear is a construct of the mind , an elaborate prison we create for ourselves. When we finally come to really understand this we can begin to turn toward the fear & begin dismantling it bit by bit.

For me recognizing that happiness cannot be taken away from me, that I am the giver , creator , Queen of the happiness kingdom within myself  – I then have the power to move in the direction of my own happiness & leave the fear behind.

Also recognizing that having a cerebral understanding of loving oneself verses the practice of Being Love in Yourself are two totally different universes.

The mind is so powerful , realizing most of my fears stem from some past childhood trauma , some misunderstood experience that I then took in and created fear and doubt with. Practicing loving the little scared girl inside me, giving her clarity , patience , and compassion opens my world to new levels of healing.

We are the creators of our reality

My journey continues as a woman not seeking Happiness, but as a woman knowing herself  and embodying herself in the middle of allowing herself true & lasting happiness. A woman discovering that the only blocks she has ever faced are the ones she herself set before her. A woman falling in love with herself to such an extent that no matter how afraid she is she cannot stop herself from living the most magnificent life she can possibly stand to experience.

Amber .